Free Falling into the Future
I often jump into the abysses. I must enjoy the thrill of the dark cave, the unknown space I am constantly falling into. This is what usually happens--I get a great idea and things begin to go well. I might be writing, opening an art gallery, I might be having lots of clients, funerals to perform. Then there is a dry spell and I think "Oh, my-- I better get a job. How will I pay my bills? I spend hours on end searching for a "job" (as we all find ourselves doing at some point.) Finally that "job" comes through and I am relieve, a relief that is short lived. Not long after business (whatever business idea I was working on at the time) starts to pick up. People are calling and suddenly I have too many clients. I can't fit them all in because--I have a "job." I have to punch the time clock--I race to keep up with it all and nothing works. I can't keep up and I make myself crazy trying.
By the time I make the decision to jump, leave the job behind and follow my bliss, everything has fallen apart and I must start all over again. Of course, I do start all over again with another idea. I have great ideas. They come to me in the night, maybe through a dream and some come when I first wake up. From where I sleep I can look out the window in the morning and see squirrels dancing through the branches as if playing tag with each other and I watch the red glow of the new born sun spread across the sky and I think I should be dancing through the branches-- that's when it happens another great idea that I must follow is born. I have had great ideas that have taken me to many experiences I never would have had if I didn't follow them as far as I dared. But I am left wondering where would they have lead me if I had not panicked? If I had dared to dare.
I remember years ago a young woman told me that she only wanted to be with her horses; she raised race horses and dreamed of breeding a winner that would take the Kentucky Derby by storm. She told me that every now and again she has a deep ingrained fear that hunts her down and stops her in her tracks. She said she feared that if she didn't get a real job there would be a time when no one would ever hire her and she would be destitute. So there she was applying for a temporary bank job just to keep her fear from overwhelming her.
There are lots of things that I'd love to do, lots of creative ideas that keep whispering to me--so I have decided to follow my bliss--all the way off the cliff and this time I will not reach for a branch or cling to a clump of grass before the fall. I will stand outside myself and watch want happens as I free fall into the unknown, that dark cave. As I write this already I can feel a sinking feeling in my belly. But it doesn't matter because this time I have decided to find out what really happens when the doors won't open and fear crawls up the back of your neck like a "shadow mirroring your every move and you are sure that no one will ever hire you again if you don't get a real "job" and you know the bills are piling up. This time I will not succumb. I will dare to dare.
"We're in a free fall into the future. We don't know where we're going. Things are changing so fast and always when you're going through a long tunnel anxiety comes along. And all you have to do to transform your hell into a paradise is to turn your fall into a voluntary act. It's a very interesting shift of perspective and that's all it is... joyful participation in the sorrows and everything changes." ~~Joseph Campbell, Sukhavati
Feel free to join me as I explore what this journey is really all about but only if you are willing to dare to dare.